oh how i would love to write something poetic and powerful
but alas, i have no poetic thoughts
only these uncontrollable emotions
pulsing through me with every beat of my heart

i wish i was...in love
yet not, because love is difficult
and every 'love' i've experienced so far breaks me
breaks me in such a way that i do not wish to go through it again

this concept of love is an interesting one
giving up everything to be with another?
turning from our selfish ways
to sacrifice everything in our lives for another
but GOD did it didn't he?
oh, how he loves us
i do not know

i've been thinking too much about life and death
the inevitability of it
lately death and life get so confusing
i can't tell the difference here tonight
lately every breath feels like i'm kissing death

so maybe i was a bit more poetic than i thought i would be tonight.
things just flow sometimes,
tonight is rough, not as 'flowing' as other...poetry, if that's what you could call it.
which i wouldn't, but whatever

goodnight all

hold my last breath

hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light
it ends here tonight

I'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree
(come find me)

i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

closing you eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black

courage

GOD ruined me tonight
he made me realize things
like i need to put it all in his hands
like i need to have courage to love me for me
i need to have courage to share HIS story

i also need to give things up
like him
like time
like myself

i miss Him and i miss the me in him
this new me?
she's...not who i really am
the fire in my heart is so small it might be snuffed out
and i don't want that at all
i want to be free and joyful in this suffering

spilt milk

i'm over-reacting to a..."crush"
haha. i'm not amused
only confused
some girl he had...or still has...
a crush on rejected and denied.
hmm...but now they won't talk
and i guess its awkward for the other people.
so he's trying to mend things,
by saying that she takes away his confidence?
too freaking bad he didn't say that in the first place!!

so today...i wept over spilled milk
waste of my time

feeling what it's like to get your heart riped out.
hot tears stain my face
i wish i didn't care this much
i wish i could say that i'm ok
but i'm not.
i'm heartbroken
i'd like to find a hole and hide there
i'm so stupid!

prayer

prayer is such a powerful thing
at a prayer meeting last night, there were not many people there that i knew, yet when GOD's children come together to pray, everything said is powerful.
i was moved.
tears weere split as i prayed for healing
everyone prayed together as a group and it was wonderful
i can't wait to go again.

distancing myself from people is something i'm good at.
really good at.
honestly?
i'd like to be independent
but having friends is nice too
but what i've realized lately
is that friends, real friends...are few and far between
i guess i could say i have one or two i can spill my life's story too
but...only one that won't judge me no matter what
i guess i'm tired of people
fake people, people who say they care about me
but then...dont

the rain

rain rain on the window pane
i wish it would never go away

the crack of lightning
the roll of thunder
the glorious clouds
grey and sad and swaying by

the rain can come
wash away my sorrow
wash away my pain
wash away my anger
wash away my hate
wash away everything

I'm not sure how i feel right now.
i'm tired of being alone
i mean, i know im really not alone
but it feels that way sometimes
i'm wishing i had some feelings inside
rather than anger, or fear, or hate
i'm just tired
i don't know how to change how i feel
about people, or work, or school, or myself
i'm feeling so helpless
yet i don't want help
i want to figure it out
but i hate when people ask what's wrong
because my only answer is 'nothing'
and if i say how i truely feel?
i would lose everything
maybe it's everyone
maybe it's just me
i feel...dead inside
or wishing i was dead inside
but i know me
i know i wouldn't be so dumb
but i think of jumping
of guns, knifes, car crashes
it's a horrible thought i know
but it's how i feel...sometimes
it's not too much to handle
i know i won't break
but i feel....
and i wish i didn't

the real you

i know now that it could have never been.
blinded by...now i don't even know what.
i thought he was it
i had to take the time to know him, to really know him
oh, how wrong i was
how could i have been so blind?
he's clearly not the one i thought he was
i feel like a blind fool
how can one be with someone...if he can't even stop
stop and say something nice
stop being a sexist pig
and really look at me
i get that i'm not pretty
i'm 'one of the guys'
you want to know how i feel now?
i hate him
i loath him
what a fool am i!
for believing he was it
i thought he loved HIM
and he doesn't
he loves SIN
he hates kindness
being around him makes me sick
he pushed me over the edge
the incencitive prat!
i hate crying over him
dirt beneath my feet!
not worth my time
i was wrong about that guy
he doesn't love GOD
he doesn't love me(i already knew that)
how could i have thought something would happen?
i tried to give him my heart
to show him who i was
he tore it out of my hands
he just stared
then he threw it away
and without looking back
he left...
i've always been alone
i bettter face that facts
it's going to be like that always
i've given up
on love?
on everything.

new year...late

i want to read my Bible every day...every single day, it's not like i didn't before, but i skipped a few days...and those few days turned into a few weeks.
it feels good to be back in Him--though i know He never left--i don't feel so depressed all the time, and my parents have finally stopped asking me if i was.
i'm feeling more alive now, more like me...well not me more like...GOD in me?
change often feels so wrong, but when the change is with GOD, if more often feels right.
i like being able to love again, the hatred building in me was draining me and making it too strong for me to handle.
i never knew how many true friends i have, well two is a lot...i think, i can't think of many people who have two as good as mine.
thanks bunches, you know who you are...maybe



school doesn't seem such a bore any longer, i mean, i'm getting all into it,
but it's not as hard for me to keep focus,
new years bring new things into play, and grades are important to me again
and you know what else is important?



my health
i'm finally starting to see that i must take care of this youthful body...
i know i'll regret it later if i don't
i don't want 'rock hard abs'
i just what to be healthy and fit
i gotta stretch those old running muscles
i want to feel in control again





i like new years, they bring about a change in me...sometimes for the better