i'm so tired of being alive
feeling depressed
trying to just survive
someone save me
from this mad world
so tired i could cry
i know i shouldn't
so alone no one would care
she doesn't trust me
but i guess no one could
it would be nice to fall asleep
and never wake up
why is it so hard?
if there were a plan
i might be able to follow
instead i wallow in misery
wishing i wasn't here
hoping something will happen
to get me out
and rid the world
of this emty soul

bored at work

i think ill blog about college instead of studying for math :)
i hate math 121, my teacher is the stupidest old man ever, he refuses to teach/help us learn because he thinks we should teach each other. what a laugh.
psych 260 is amazing love that class much more fun with jessica in it
i don't feel like writing about the others, to insignificant haha

just went to Disneyland! AMAZING! loved it! Aladdin was the best musical play ever! i want to see it every day and i miss the food! haha Bengal bbq and pacific wharf cafe! my mouth is watering just thinking about it! mmm and cream cheese pretzels! yum yum :)
the rides were amazing and so was fantasmic! i'm sad that Ariel was not pretty though Belle was absolutely gorgeous so that made up for it a little haha.

the mall is playing good music and i've been listening to the Beatles and Selena Gomez! she makes me jealous, she is sooo pretty and skinny haha and tan.

wish i was still poetic-ish because my blogs were more interesting but oh well haha

OMG

so i just spent the last half hour rifling through all my old blogs and it is interesting to see the changes i have undergone throughout my life. it brought back memories that i never thought i would remember, and gave me insight into the way i have changed. anyway I'm thankful that i have "cataloged" my life in this way and sad that i gave up for a while. it's nice to remember things every now and again and reflect on ones' self.

BTW, i have just adopted the most adorable kitten. I'm writing this so i remember how adorable he was ha ha. his name is sokha (after the funny dude in that old show Avatar) and i hope to bring him home soon :)

also, Jessica and i watched ducks yesterday at the duck pond for class. they are interesting creatures, but i would not want to talk our teacher's gorilla observing class thing. she is obnoxious.

i think that's it for now
C

fun on the bus

go to funonthebus.blogspot.com for adventures to and froom UNM with Jessica and I!

really it's hilarious.

and i supose i should start poster here as well. seeing as how i'm in college now and not depressed haha

oh how i would love to write something poetic and powerful
but alas, i have no poetic thoughts
only these uncontrollable emotions
pulsing through me with every beat of my heart

i wish i was...in love
yet not, because love is difficult
and every 'love' i've experienced so far breaks me
breaks me in such a way that i do not wish to go through it again

this concept of love is an interesting one
giving up everything to be with another?
turning from our selfish ways
to sacrifice everything in our lives for another
but GOD did it didn't he?
oh, how he loves us
i do not know

i've been thinking too much about life and death
the inevitability of it
lately death and life get so confusing
i can't tell the difference here tonight
lately every breath feels like i'm kissing death

so maybe i was a bit more poetic than i thought i would be tonight.
things just flow sometimes,
tonight is rough, not as 'flowing' as other...poetry, if that's what you could call it.
which i wouldn't, but whatever

goodnight all

hold my last breath

hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light
it ends here tonight

I'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree
(come find me)

i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

closing you eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black

courage

GOD ruined me tonight
he made me realize things
like i need to put it all in his hands
like i need to have courage to love me for me
i need to have courage to share HIS story

i also need to give things up
like him
like time
like myself

i miss Him and i miss the me in him
this new me?
she's...not who i really am
the fire in my heart is so small it might be snuffed out
and i don't want that at all
i want to be free and joyful in this suffering

spilt milk

i'm over-reacting to a..."crush"
haha. i'm not amused
only confused
some girl he had...or still has...
a crush on rejected and denied.
hmm...but now they won't talk
and i guess its awkward for the other people.
so he's trying to mend things,
by saying that she takes away his confidence?
too freaking bad he didn't say that in the first place!!

so today...i wept over spilled milk
waste of my time

feeling what it's like to get your heart riped out.
hot tears stain my face
i wish i didn't care this much
i wish i could say that i'm ok
but i'm not.
i'm heartbroken
i'd like to find a hole and hide there
i'm so stupid!

prayer

prayer is such a powerful thing
at a prayer meeting last night, there were not many people there that i knew, yet when GOD's children come together to pray, everything said is powerful.
i was moved.
tears weere split as i prayed for healing
everyone prayed together as a group and it was wonderful
i can't wait to go again.

distancing myself from people is something i'm good at.
really good at.
honestly?
i'd like to be independent
but having friends is nice too
but what i've realized lately
is that friends, real friends...are few and far between
i guess i could say i have one or two i can spill my life's story too
but...only one that won't judge me no matter what
i guess i'm tired of people
fake people, people who say they care about me
but then...dont

the rain

rain rain on the window pane
i wish it would never go away

the crack of lightning
the roll of thunder
the glorious clouds
grey and sad and swaying by

the rain can come
wash away my sorrow
wash away my pain
wash away my anger
wash away my hate
wash away everything

I'm not sure how i feel right now.
i'm tired of being alone
i mean, i know im really not alone
but it feels that way sometimes
i'm wishing i had some feelings inside
rather than anger, or fear, or hate
i'm just tired
i don't know how to change how i feel
about people, or work, or school, or myself
i'm feeling so helpless
yet i don't want help
i want to figure it out
but i hate when people ask what's wrong
because my only answer is 'nothing'
and if i say how i truely feel?
i would lose everything
maybe it's everyone
maybe it's just me
i feel...dead inside
or wishing i was dead inside
but i know me
i know i wouldn't be so dumb
but i think of jumping
of guns, knifes, car crashes
it's a horrible thought i know
but it's how i feel...sometimes
it's not too much to handle
i know i won't break
but i feel....
and i wish i didn't

the real you

i know now that it could have never been.
blinded by...now i don't even know what.
i thought he was it
i had to take the time to know him, to really know him
oh, how wrong i was
how could i have been so blind?
he's clearly not the one i thought he was
i feel like a blind fool
how can one be with someone...if he can't even stop
stop and say something nice
stop being a sexist pig
and really look at me
i get that i'm not pretty
i'm 'one of the guys'
you want to know how i feel now?
i hate him
i loath him
what a fool am i!
for believing he was it
i thought he loved HIM
and he doesn't
he loves SIN
he hates kindness
being around him makes me sick
he pushed me over the edge
the incencitive prat!
i hate crying over him
dirt beneath my feet!
not worth my time
i was wrong about that guy
he doesn't love GOD
he doesn't love me(i already knew that)
how could i have thought something would happen?
i tried to give him my heart
to show him who i was
he tore it out of my hands
he just stared
then he threw it away
and without looking back
he left...
i've always been alone
i bettter face that facts
it's going to be like that always
i've given up
on love?
on everything.

new year...late

i want to read my Bible every day...every single day, it's not like i didn't before, but i skipped a few days...and those few days turned into a few weeks.
it feels good to be back in Him--though i know He never left--i don't feel so depressed all the time, and my parents have finally stopped asking me if i was.
i'm feeling more alive now, more like me...well not me more like...GOD in me?
change often feels so wrong, but when the change is with GOD, if more often feels right.
i like being able to love again, the hatred building in me was draining me and making it too strong for me to handle.
i never knew how many true friends i have, well two is a lot...i think, i can't think of many people who have two as good as mine.
thanks bunches, you know who you are...maybe



school doesn't seem such a bore any longer, i mean, i'm getting all into it,
but it's not as hard for me to keep focus,
new years bring new things into play, and grades are important to me again
and you know what else is important?



my health
i'm finally starting to see that i must take care of this youthful body...
i know i'll regret it later if i don't
i don't want 'rock hard abs'
i just what to be healthy and fit
i gotta stretch those old running muscles
i want to feel in control again





i like new years, they bring about a change in me...sometimes for the better

missing someone i don't know

i think that most people don't really know who they are going to love
if only i could see into the future and see him

if only life was like a poem
you know those tv episodes where all they do is speak in rhyme,
and they have to get out of the story by learning a lesson?
i want life to be like that
i want love to be like that
only...you can't get out of it
...because no one wants to

i wish i had someone as devoted as romeo
or heathcliff
or edward
that special someone who loves me with every fiber of their existence

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition
Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return
roses speak of love silently in a language known only to the heart

cliche? maybe

romantic? very

No one should read it

i'm tired of the people who say they are your friends, but don't really care.
i'm tired of the people who pretend, just so you don't feel left out.
i'm tired of feeling left out anyway.
i'm tired of being different.
i'm tired of being the same.
i'm tired of shallowness
i'm tired of stupidity
tired of cliques
tired of jerks
tired of...life

do people really care about what i think?
do they notice when i'm sad?
do they notice when i'm silent, because i'm upset?
do they notice that i see through them?
do they notice i'm not having fun?
do they notice i hide myself under a mask?

no one gets it
no one understands
and no one cares

i was so stupid to trust them!
i knew this would happen!
it always does
it always does.

HE is the only one for me, He never fails me
but it's hard to know He's there
we can't be alone!
so why do i feel abandoned?


i want to burst into tears
but that would be annoying
i want to punch someone in anger
but that would be awkward
i want to show them how i really feel about their friendship
but that would be uncalled for
i can do nothing around them
it would disturb the peace

i want to tell them to love like HIM!
i want to tell them they suck!
i want to tell them they are stupid!
i want to tell them i don't care about their silly little lives!

would they listen?
no, i would be an outcast
i would not belong
and i would not have fake friends

GOD's sense of humour

i got a car.
i made the first payment.
then a day later, got into an accident
with $1400 in damage

haha...i'm laughing, and so is GOD!
i relize that i was in this accident because He wanted to show my that i was not invincible. i can hit curbs, i can ruin brand new wheels and i can drive more careful as a result. i think that i was so hung up on my car, and loving it, and honestly putting it before my GOD and me time, that He needed to show me that it wasn't as important as i thought it was.

thought of today...

C

i'm spoiled...

i got a car...and it's this colour! lol, well, red anyway....i'm super excited!!!! it's the best present ever!!! even though it's not my birthday or christmas yet! lol...
check car off christmas list!
now all i need is my 4-way parallel Bible! and i'm done for christmas....my parents rock
it was my dream car too! a little red Honda Accord 2-door coup
YUP! you all gotta climb over a seat to sit in my baby! he he...unless you are gangster, then you get shotgun!

C

Praise the Lord

Today for the first time in a while, i found my camera. Curious as to what was still on there, i started to flip through the pictures. The first few were videos from the 4th of July ( i don't empty my camera often) then some randoms of me, the sky, a conference i went to recently, and OH YEAH! Desperation pics!!! i was so ecstatic to stumble upon these, i almost dropped my camera! i started to think about Desperation again, and how it seems like it's been such a long time since the conference. Sad that it is over, i starting thinking about my life...and boy, I've changed a lot! I'm so proud that i have stuck, and am living the Desperation Vow! GOD has taught me to persevere through hard times, and love people no matter what, and that I'm a leader....and a thousand other things just in the last month! I'm excited about what the Lord has done in my life, i have noticed my change in attitude, well mostly, and my hunger, longing, and desire for the Lord. All i talk about anymore is GOD, which i love, because i love to think about my saviour! i pray daily that others can experience this love that i feel for Him...anyway...this all relates back to my pictures and remembering good times, but also remembering that we live day to day, and that the past is past, and we need to start every day with the thought..." I want to know Christ TODAY"

Mark 12: 30-31

C