the real you

i know now that it could have never been.
blinded by...now i don't even know what.
i thought he was it
i had to take the time to know him, to really know him
oh, how wrong i was
how could i have been so blind?
he's clearly not the one i thought he was
i feel like a blind fool
how can one be with someone...if he can't even stop
stop and say something nice
stop being a sexist pig
and really look at me
i get that i'm not pretty
i'm 'one of the guys'
you want to know how i feel now?
i hate him
i loath him
what a fool am i!
for believing he was it
i thought he loved HIM
and he doesn't
he loves SIN
he hates kindness
being around him makes me sick
he pushed me over the edge
the incencitive prat!
i hate crying over him
dirt beneath my feet!
not worth my time
i was wrong about that guy
he doesn't love GOD
he doesn't love me(i already knew that)
how could i have thought something would happen?
i tried to give him my heart
to show him who i was
he tore it out of my hands
he just stared
then he threw it away
and without looking back
he left...
i've always been alone
i bettter face that facts
it's going to be like that always
i've given up
on love?
on everything.

new year...late

i want to read my Bible every day...every single day, it's not like i didn't before, but i skipped a few days...and those few days turned into a few weeks.
it feels good to be back in Him--though i know He never left--i don't feel so depressed all the time, and my parents have finally stopped asking me if i was.
i'm feeling more alive now, more like me...well not me more like...GOD in me?
change often feels so wrong, but when the change is with GOD, if more often feels right.
i like being able to love again, the hatred building in me was draining me and making it too strong for me to handle.
i never knew how many true friends i have, well two is a lot...i think, i can't think of many people who have two as good as mine.
thanks bunches, you know who you are...maybe



school doesn't seem such a bore any longer, i mean, i'm getting all into it,
but it's not as hard for me to keep focus,
new years bring new things into play, and grades are important to me again
and you know what else is important?



my health
i'm finally starting to see that i must take care of this youthful body...
i know i'll regret it later if i don't
i don't want 'rock hard abs'
i just what to be healthy and fit
i gotta stretch those old running muscles
i want to feel in control again





i like new years, they bring about a change in me...sometimes for the better

missing someone i don't know

i think that most people don't really know who they are going to love
if only i could see into the future and see him

if only life was like a poem
you know those tv episodes where all they do is speak in rhyme,
and they have to get out of the story by learning a lesson?
i want life to be like that
i want love to be like that
only...you can't get out of it
...because no one wants to

i wish i had someone as devoted as romeo
or heathcliff
or edward
that special someone who loves me with every fiber of their existence

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition
Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return
roses speak of love silently in a language known only to the heart

cliche? maybe

romantic? very

No one should read it

i'm tired of the people who say they are your friends, but don't really care.
i'm tired of the people who pretend, just so you don't feel left out.
i'm tired of feeling left out anyway.
i'm tired of being different.
i'm tired of being the same.
i'm tired of shallowness
i'm tired of stupidity
tired of cliques
tired of jerks
tired of...life

do people really care about what i think?
do they notice when i'm sad?
do they notice when i'm silent, because i'm upset?
do they notice that i see through them?
do they notice i'm not having fun?
do they notice i hide myself under a mask?

no one gets it
no one understands
and no one cares

i was so stupid to trust them!
i knew this would happen!
it always does
it always does.

HE is the only one for me, He never fails me
but it's hard to know He's there
we can't be alone!
so why do i feel abandoned?


i want to burst into tears
but that would be annoying
i want to punch someone in anger
but that would be awkward
i want to show them how i really feel about their friendship
but that would be uncalled for
i can do nothing around them
it would disturb the peace

i want to tell them to love like HIM!
i want to tell them they suck!
i want to tell them they are stupid!
i want to tell them i don't care about their silly little lives!

would they listen?
no, i would be an outcast
i would not belong
and i would not have fake friends

GOD's sense of humour

i got a car.
i made the first payment.
then a day later, got into an accident
with $1400 in damage

haha...i'm laughing, and so is GOD!
i relize that i was in this accident because He wanted to show my that i was not invincible. i can hit curbs, i can ruin brand new wheels and i can drive more careful as a result. i think that i was so hung up on my car, and loving it, and honestly putting it before my GOD and me time, that He needed to show me that it wasn't as important as i thought it was.

thought of today...

C

i'm spoiled...

i got a car...and it's this colour! lol, well, red anyway....i'm super excited!!!! it's the best present ever!!! even though it's not my birthday or christmas yet! lol...
check car off christmas list!
now all i need is my 4-way parallel Bible! and i'm done for christmas....my parents rock
it was my dream car too! a little red Honda Accord 2-door coup
YUP! you all gotta climb over a seat to sit in my baby! he he...unless you are gangster, then you get shotgun!

C

Praise the Lord

Today for the first time in a while, i found my camera. Curious as to what was still on there, i started to flip through the pictures. The first few were videos from the 4th of July ( i don't empty my camera often) then some randoms of me, the sky, a conference i went to recently, and OH YEAH! Desperation pics!!! i was so ecstatic to stumble upon these, i almost dropped my camera! i started to think about Desperation again, and how it seems like it's been such a long time since the conference. Sad that it is over, i starting thinking about my life...and boy, I've changed a lot! I'm so proud that i have stuck, and am living the Desperation Vow! GOD has taught me to persevere through hard times, and love people no matter what, and that I'm a leader....and a thousand other things just in the last month! I'm excited about what the Lord has done in my life, i have noticed my change in attitude, well mostly, and my hunger, longing, and desire for the Lord. All i talk about anymore is GOD, which i love, because i love to think about my saviour! i pray daily that others can experience this love that i feel for Him...anyway...this all relates back to my pictures and remembering good times, but also remembering that we live day to day, and that the past is past, and we need to start every day with the thought..." I want to know Christ TODAY"

Mark 12: 30-31

C