spilt milk

i'm over-reacting to a..."crush"
haha. i'm not amused
only confused
some girl he had...or still has...
a crush on rejected and denied.
hmm...but now they won't talk
and i guess its awkward for the other people.
so he's trying to mend things,
by saying that she takes away his confidence?
too freaking bad he didn't say that in the first place!!

so today...i wept over spilled milk
waste of my time

feeling what it's like to get your heart riped out.
hot tears stain my face
i wish i didn't care this much
i wish i could say that i'm ok
but i'm not.
i'm heartbroken
i'd like to find a hole and hide there
i'm so stupid!

prayer

prayer is such a powerful thing
at a prayer meeting last night, there were not many people there that i knew, yet when GOD's children come together to pray, everything said is powerful.
i was moved.
tears weere split as i prayed for healing
everyone prayed together as a group and it was wonderful
i can't wait to go again.

distancing myself from people is something i'm good at.
really good at.
honestly?
i'd like to be independent
but having friends is nice too
but what i've realized lately
is that friends, real friends...are few and far between
i guess i could say i have one or two i can spill my life's story too
but...only one that won't judge me no matter what
i guess i'm tired of people
fake people, people who say they care about me
but then...dont

the rain

rain rain on the window pane
i wish it would never go away

the crack of lightning
the roll of thunder
the glorious clouds
grey and sad and swaying by

the rain can come
wash away my sorrow
wash away my pain
wash away my anger
wash away my hate
wash away everything

I'm not sure how i feel right now.
i'm tired of being alone
i mean, i know im really not alone
but it feels that way sometimes
i'm wishing i had some feelings inside
rather than anger, or fear, or hate
i'm just tired
i don't know how to change how i feel
about people, or work, or school, or myself
i'm feeling so helpless
yet i don't want help
i want to figure it out
but i hate when people ask what's wrong
because my only answer is 'nothing'
and if i say how i truely feel?
i would lose everything
maybe it's everyone
maybe it's just me
i feel...dead inside
or wishing i was dead inside
but i know me
i know i wouldn't be so dumb
but i think of jumping
of guns, knifes, car crashes
it's a horrible thought i know
but it's how i feel...sometimes
it's not too much to handle
i know i won't break
but i feel....
and i wish i didn't

the real you

i know now that it could have never been.
blinded by...now i don't even know what.
i thought he was it
i had to take the time to know him, to really know him
oh, how wrong i was
how could i have been so blind?
he's clearly not the one i thought he was
i feel like a blind fool
how can one be with someone...if he can't even stop
stop and say something nice
stop being a sexist pig
and really look at me
i get that i'm not pretty
i'm 'one of the guys'
you want to know how i feel now?
i hate him
i loath him
what a fool am i!
for believing he was it
i thought he loved HIM
and he doesn't
he loves SIN
he hates kindness
being around him makes me sick
he pushed me over the edge
the incencitive prat!
i hate crying over him
dirt beneath my feet!
not worth my time
i was wrong about that guy
he doesn't love GOD
he doesn't love me(i already knew that)
how could i have thought something would happen?
i tried to give him my heart
to show him who i was
he tore it out of my hands
he just stared
then he threw it away
and without looking back
he left...
i've always been alone
i bettter face that facts
it's going to be like that always
i've given up
on love?
on everything.