missing someone i don't know

i think that most people don't really know who they are going to love
if only i could see into the future and see him

if only life was like a poem
you know those tv episodes where all they do is speak in rhyme,
and they have to get out of the story by learning a lesson?
i want life to be like that
i want love to be like that
only...you can't get out of it
...because no one wants to

i wish i had someone as devoted as romeo
or heathcliff
or edward
that special someone who loves me with every fiber of their existence

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition
Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return
roses speak of love silently in a language known only to the heart

cliche? maybe

romantic? very

No one should read it

i'm tired of the people who say they are your friends, but don't really care.
i'm tired of the people who pretend, just so you don't feel left out.
i'm tired of feeling left out anyway.
i'm tired of being different.
i'm tired of being the same.
i'm tired of shallowness
i'm tired of stupidity
tired of cliques
tired of jerks
tired of...life

do people really care about what i think?
do they notice when i'm sad?
do they notice when i'm silent, because i'm upset?
do they notice that i see through them?
do they notice i'm not having fun?
do they notice i hide myself under a mask?

no one gets it
no one understands
and no one cares

i was so stupid to trust them!
i knew this would happen!
it always does
it always does.

HE is the only one for me, He never fails me
but it's hard to know He's there
we can't be alone!
so why do i feel abandoned?


i want to burst into tears
but that would be annoying
i want to punch someone in anger
but that would be awkward
i want to show them how i really feel about their friendship
but that would be uncalled for
i can do nothing around them
it would disturb the peace

i want to tell them to love like HIM!
i want to tell them they suck!
i want to tell them they are stupid!
i want to tell them i don't care about their silly little lives!

would they listen?
no, i would be an outcast
i would not belong
and i would not have fake friends

GOD's sense of humour

i got a car.
i made the first payment.
then a day later, got into an accident
with $1400 in damage

haha...i'm laughing, and so is GOD!
i relize that i was in this accident because He wanted to show my that i was not invincible. i can hit curbs, i can ruin brand new wheels and i can drive more careful as a result. i think that i was so hung up on my car, and loving it, and honestly putting it before my GOD and me time, that He needed to show me that it wasn't as important as i thought it was.

thought of today...

C

i'm spoiled...

i got a car...and it's this colour! lol, well, red anyway....i'm super excited!!!! it's the best present ever!!! even though it's not my birthday or christmas yet! lol...
check car off christmas list!
now all i need is my 4-way parallel Bible! and i'm done for christmas....my parents rock
it was my dream car too! a little red Honda Accord 2-door coup
YUP! you all gotta climb over a seat to sit in my baby! he he...unless you are gangster, then you get shotgun!

C

Praise the Lord

Today for the first time in a while, i found my camera. Curious as to what was still on there, i started to flip through the pictures. The first few were videos from the 4th of July ( i don't empty my camera often) then some randoms of me, the sky, a conference i went to recently, and OH YEAH! Desperation pics!!! i was so ecstatic to stumble upon these, i almost dropped my camera! i started to think about Desperation again, and how it seems like it's been such a long time since the conference. Sad that it is over, i starting thinking about my life...and boy, I've changed a lot! I'm so proud that i have stuck, and am living the Desperation Vow! GOD has taught me to persevere through hard times, and love people no matter what, and that I'm a leader....and a thousand other things just in the last month! I'm excited about what the Lord has done in my life, i have noticed my change in attitude, well mostly, and my hunger, longing, and desire for the Lord. All i talk about anymore is GOD, which i love, because i love to think about my saviour! i pray daily that others can experience this love that i feel for Him...anyway...this all relates back to my pictures and remembering good times, but also remembering that we live day to day, and that the past is past, and we need to start every day with the thought..." I want to know Christ TODAY"

Mark 12: 30-31

C

It doesn't seem that bad...

Church is making me think more and more about GOD, me, friends...and those people who put on the 'christian face' for an hour then go home and piss their lives away. Lately I've been feeling things about my church of almost 10 years that I'd never felt before. It doesn't feel like home, I'm disgusted with the stuff that goes on, saddened that there's only 5 of the original 'core' kids that were there from the beginning, among other things. Feeling this way, and thinking this way about my church makes me wonder if GOD is asking me to move on...maybe I've done everything I am capable of doing in my church. Then GOD presented a blessing, a huge blessing, something I've been waiting for. An opportunity to start over and do something completely different...again. So, GOD has laid on my heart to go to the new Rio Rancho campus. I'm really excited and i can't wait to see what GOD is going to do through all of us at Rio Rancho. This is my chance to be a part of GOD's huge plan! praise the Lord!

C

changing things

Since no one really reads my blog i can post about anything I want! and not offend!
umm...let's see, the other day i was telling some people about what GOD showed me at Desperation, and they were...not as helpful or encouraging as I thought they would be. The stupid thing is, i thought that i would always have a friend to back me up...but i don't this time. i realized that GOD is my friend that is gunna back me up on this one, because no human will. i never actually realized that i haven't in the past given everything to GOD, including my friends, so i need to give everything to Him. i read in 1 peter 5 about being a shepard to the flock, which is to say....be an example to the rest of my church...the only way GOD is going to change my church through me is by being an example. so anyway...i'm out to change my chuch for Christ!

C

DESPERATION

wow...GOD is AWESOME!! He taught me sooo much at Desperation! oh, GOD did so many things in my heart! I want to know Him so much now! He is so amazing!
GOD has called me to change my church....we are not the body, we try, but our focus is so far from GOD...He gave me a vision during worship...the people of Christ tearing out the x-boxes, and the pool tables and whatever else we had there. HE wants us to worship him. we need to give students what they NEED, and consider what they WANT....not the opposite, like my church. it's near impossible to beat the devil in the ways of the world...if students want an xbox...then go to the store and get one, not the church! amen? we can't beat the devil in media, we can't attracte the dull people because of media and mainstream things! we will have a youth gruop full of DULL DULL people, then what? they don't want to listen to us now...oh no no no, then the WHITE HOT believers are put off....we NEED, prayer, fasting, worship, GOD!!! we need GOD'S power, and we need to display the Master's Intent...LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE!

more updates...

so i'm ok now...for the most part.
all the bloodwork came back normal...hooray!
and i'm feeling better!

i started my job at Vans, it was fun, people cuss a ton even andy and joey! *gasp* (actually...not a big surprise...so whatever) SLAP ME IF I EVER START CUSSING LIKE A SALIOR!!! i'm serious...i'm there to make a difference for GOD, and i already goofed...i said a few unaceptable words, i know, bad Carly! but it's ok, because GOD has forgiven me for that--like 2,000 years ago! hooray
oh, and i can't buy my peeps things, so sorry...i think for gifts, but other than that, no mas!
uhhh....oh yeah, i started guitar lessons tonight! another hooray! i get to learn how to play lots and lots of hillsong!!! YES!! praise JESUS! right?!?!?

oh, and a wierd question for you people...can anyone tell me if i sing well?? don't just be like 'OMG Carly you have sssuuuuch a good voice' because you feel sorry for me, i actually need to know, serious stuffs here peoples! nels wants to know, because i don't actually know...hee hee, i'm too shy to sing in front of people...except at church, so...give me a holla!

C

update

hi everyone!
ok...so while i was in hawaii, i went swiming in the ocean, i think i got a rash from the ocean. it was on my feet all the way up to my knees, really itchy and gross....i was sad, being in hawaii and what not! after like three days of this, whith it getting worse and worse, we called the 'doctors on call' and they came and brought us to the hospital. at the hospital, the nurse gave me two shots, one in each hip...one was 2cc's of cortizon (sp?) and the other was 1cc of benadryl...it hurt a lot! they also gave me a perscription for some drugs that just didn't make sense....days later i started getting a ton of pain, radiating from all of my muscules from my feet all the way up to my face....on the plane i was in a lot of pain so i took some pain medication, nothing helped. when we got home, we wnet to the doctor, and he didn't understand the rash, or the muscule pain at all. then on sunday...i woke up--and i have a high pain tolerance--crying because my legs hurt so bad, like deep muscule pain, so we went to the ER and i got lots of blood work and stuff except the nurses said i had tiny vains and missed a ton of times...it sucked...so anyway, they gave me vicodin...seriously, but it doesn't help a whole lot with the pain...oh well
i'm getting a bit better, but i'm out for a count...you'll see me on saturday and sunday though...thanks for all your prayers and all your concern!

C

Hawaii here I come!

well...on Wednesday I will be up at 3.30 in the morning : {
I have two Monsters...so i think I'll be ok around...5ish
however, no one is really here to read this, so it doesn't matter, everyone else is off at camp, or on a mission trip...
I bought shoes at Vans yesterday! and Andy is awesome and gave me his discount :p (the discount I soon get!!) These shoes are amazing, they have Hawaiian flowers on them...awesome right?? I thought so!!
anywho..I'm all packed and ready to go relax and get tan...really really tanned!!!

C

Thankies!

Thanks to everyone who came to my party!! I hope everyone had a wonderful time like I did!
Thanks again!!
sorry marissa, i didn't get any pictures, but I'll tell you all about it!

C

News...or not

school is out.

i passed all my classes with at least a B...ish.

summer sux so far.

families are annoying, especially the sibling kind.

headbanging at concerts makes one's neck painfully unmovable.

...i feel like a Horde...haha...(ted Dekker joke anyone?...no?...ok so i'm a loser, what's new?)

friday is going to suck because of my being gone taking care of kids from...9am-2;30pm as well as 6pm-...GOD knows when....

i hate people even more so.

and uh....i'm having a party on the 30th....thinking no one's gunna come...oh well...

C

Seeing as how it's been a long time...

Hello!
It has been an extremely looong time since i've been on the computer, let alone have time to even blog about anything! so here we go!!
On friday night...i got to drive my daddy's big F3.50 with 20" wheels home from Bob Turner's....that thing is awesome!
second saturday was great, we went to cuidando los ninos...i pray i spelled that right! and painted a kitchen and helped them move and what not...doing stuff they can't do for themselves...i think that's like the 'sencond saturday moto' no? anywho...that was a blast, i stood on counter-tops to get to the really high walls (and GOD temporarally took away my fear of hieghts i think!) and i also cleaned the tops of very dusty cabinets!
then my daddy and and i took marissa to my house, where we attempted to dye my hair...it didn't really work, however, my hair is a tad bit darker...no one noticed though, i've decided that next weekend or sometime this week i'm going to try again...but i'm going to go and get a really dark brown...mom says it'll make my eyes pop...i'm trusting her on this one guys!
umm...hmm i don't really think there is a whole lot left to say except that you all should pray for me come finals week! oh...and the vans store can't hire my until late june...uhhh...lame! they've been telling my i'll get a job 'soon' since march!
ta ta!
C

Yes, those are my eyes, and I want a tattoo there...

I got this program called GIMP, it's like photoshop, but free, and kinda wierd to work with, but i did some playing, and i figured out how to do a few things! wooo...uhh...yeah, so that's where that picture came frome, let me know if you like it or not.
Last night i watched "accross the universe" and it was really trippy, over all a good movie, but awkward and a little disturbing for like 3 scenes...haha, i really like the music though, and yes i do have a new appreciation for the songs that are from the soundtrack that I adore!
speaking of music, if you like the band Mae, you will love Deas Vail...very very bueno! and i'm done...
peace out eh
C

Amplify...Louder. Stronger. Deeper

I went to Jasmyne's church, Eastgate on Friday for an all worship night. We arrived there around 7 and got started about 7:30. Jasmyne's family makes up more than half the worship band, it's awesome. She plays lead acoustic, her brother Ashton plays bass, and her father Pastor John, plays drums and keys. And then there are other high schoolers who play electric and sing. Anyway, the worship was awesome, and emotional for a lot of people, myself included. The Holy Spirit was definitely in that place. We sang for a long time, and the student pastor came up and said that if anyone wanted to be prayed over because they feel the Holy Spirit, to come up in the front so they could pray over us. I went up because i felt so on fire for GOD. His wife began to pray over me and in mid-sentence she just kinda stopped and was praying in a different language! It was so awesome because i felt the Holy Spirit hit me hard and i just kinda sank to my knees. I was so overwhelmed by GOD it was...indescribable feeling really. then a girl came up to me, i had no idea who she was, and said that GOD had basically told her to tell me that he will never leave of forsake me, which is something i have been struggling to understand my whole life...and it was so awesome. Then the youth pastor was...prophicing...to people and praying over people and we were all worshiping and praying aloud...it was like a choir of radical Christians...amazing. after all of this amazingness, Jasmyne's dad spoke of making disciples and that was a really good sermon. we worshiped more, and the second time of worship it was like...a whole new experience of worship. i felt GOD's fire in my heart, and for the first time in a long time, i sang my heart to GOD like he always intended us to worship Him...we ended the service at uh...10:30...pm....then we went to IHOP, and i went home and got home around midnight 30...a very good night indeed.

no job yet...

Well i had my interview...and it went really well....because Andy interviewed me! whooot! uhhh...he said if it was up to him, and it's not unfortnately, he would hire me right away...but they need to 'get ride of the people who suck' says Jamie, the store manager...so for right now, i'm not working at Vans, but i have a steady Monday night job babysitting for Chris Drier, and i get $60 a month...plus side jobs here and there...anywho...that is what's going on in my life right now! haha...

C

a life...worth something to someone

i am the most happy-go-lucky,
loud-mouthed,
craziest person you will ever meet...

or that's how i used to be.
then something happened,
GOD was not the most important person in my life.
i fell so far away, and hit rock bottom
i cried a lot,
i almost killed myself,
i hurt a lot of people i cared about,
i messed up so bad, i felt unworthy of forgiveness
but someone forgave me...
his name is JESUS,
and it took so long for me to open the door of my icy heart
but GOD pried it open
and did a lot of redecorating...

now i'm the new me
a better me
a complete me
a me that wants to live for GOD
i'm thankful for all my friends
i'm thankful for all my family
for all the people who love me
and put up with me
thank you
from the bottom of my heart...
i love you all
above all, i love GOD
and fall more in love with him each and every day...

C

*sighs*

Frustrated am I
guys kill me, haha....oh well....at least JESUS is a good guy :)

C

first poem in a long time

good news! i wrote a poem...and i haven't in a really long time...however, like all, it sucks...so if you want to read my crappy writing...go ahead, but i warn you, it's sad (i don't know why i write depressing things, i just do) and it has nothing to do with what I'm going through or anything...with that...here it is:

You asked me what was wrong
I smiled at you and said nothing
But then i turned away
And i whispered: everything...



I think of you often
You think of me never
I wish we could be together
You wish us to stay friends
I want to be the girl of you dreams
You want that girl to be everything I'm not
I try to tell you how I feel
Time and time again, you don't want to listen.

Everything about you feels so right,
But you don't feel the same
I'm glad you can't see my pain
Would you change your mind about me if your eyes opened?
You never want to talk anymore
We used to be so close,
But now you keep your distance
I tear myself apart over you
I tried to give you my heart
But you tore it out of my hands
and you threw it away...

C

some pictures i took

I like to take pictures...and that's just a few of the ones that i actually liked! haha...i'm not very good at photography...but ohs well!

the only way to go

dude...i love my church! haha...second saturday is awesome...i love to serve people because it's what GOD wants us to do! today we went to Galloping Grace Horse Ranch (maybe that's the name...i hope it is) and helped them out...i piled hay and tarred some posts....good times....'cept for the thousands of tiny, and painful scratches from the hay....and the rubbing my skin raw trying to get tar off myself...but i'm not complaining at all...it was well worth it to see so many smiling people!
i don't really have a lot so say....i met a bunch of really chill people....and we had good times....i made fun of Pokey....so my day was awesome
then i hung out with my dad the rest of the day....and went to church at like 2...and hung out with Pkey and the rest of the sound/worship team until i went to work with the little 2nd graders...haha....good times tooo.....anyway....that's all for now
C.

so sad i want to cry...but can't

My friend from school...many may know her, Abby, is moving back to England! i mean...i seriously don't know what i'm going to do without her! well i know i'm going to be failing chemistry without her, becuase she has a knack for not paying any attention at all to what is going on...yet knowing what we are going to do next. a talent i'm no bueno at...today was my first "B" day without her...i have like 2 classes with her this day...and my day was very sad, and boring...i almost cried! i guess i just don't deal very well with not having someone i like in my classes...i'm normally a very shy person until you get to know me, and Abby brings me out of my shell....but as of Saturday...she will no longer be here to bring me out of my shell...i'm going to miss her something aweful...and school will never ever be the same without her...
tonight was my last night with her, and so jordan, she, and i went out to Olive Garden, and i treated...then we walked (seeing as how none of us can drive) over to Coldstone, and Jordan bought ice cream...i feel like a fatty cakes! we then went over to Barnes & Noble and walked around eating and talking...ugh....i just don't know how i am going to survive without her!
anyway....that's my little taste of sadness....goodnight all

C.

i love....

i love GOD
i love books
i love truth
i love sea

i love rock and roll
i love rain
i love blue
i love tea

i love chocolate
i love earings
i love shoes
i love keys

i love flowers
i love sky
i love water
i love jeans

i love pictures
i love horses
i love guitar
i love trees

i love Him
i love them
i love you
i love me

C

"You buy me beer, I make you sushi!"

ah, the words of a cute little Japanese man who works at the sushi bar at Smith's...if you didn't know this, my mother and I just adore sushi! and so we go to the very convenient new Smith's just up the road from us and buy sushi, all the frickin time!
today we stopped and got some, and my mom says
"I was looking online, and sushi is ridiculously hard to make!"

the little Japanese man behind the counter comes out and goes, "Yes, Yes," (in a very thick accent) "sushi very hard to make!"

a few minutes later, we are still taking and my mom says,
"do you think you could show me how to make it?" she was only kidding, because that's how she is, but his reaction was very serious:
"you buy me beer. I make you sushi! I off work on Sunday and Monday!"

haha! don't you just love the little Japanese men behind the sushi counters? I know I do, they are too cute...my mom is gunna call him when her best friend moves back, and he's going to come over and make sushi for them....if they buy him beer of course!

C

Kite...

I hid myself from failure and fear
O my dear you're a threat to the bad in us all
They tell themselves that each word from your lips
Or the grace in your eyes overcomes any fall

Over the twilight you're listening for me
Darling, go to sleep
Cradled by moonlight, I'm dreaming we'll be
Loved so deepFloating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my marvelous flight

Don't hide yourself inside till I'm old
O my dear you're a threat to the bad we all see
I'm beside myself for the touch of your lips
Or the grace of your eyes that can see good in me

Over the twilight you're listening for me
Darling, go to sleep
Cradled by moonlight, I'm dreaming we'll be
Loved so deep

Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my marvelous flight

~Copeland

a normal post

this is my first 'normal post in a long time i noticed...well, it's not about songs i've writen, or heard and whatnot...hmmm...so tonight we went to blades, at about 10...pm and stayed till 1...am...so i am very tired. we took jared and marissa with us, and yeah...
so i stole one of my friends hats, and he failed to get it back from me, therefor, i have his hat still...in fact it's still on my head! haha...seeing as how it is ummm...2 in in the morning, i'm going to hurry and wrap this up...
tonight was fun, ice skating, pictures...and dodging balls...very exciting fun...'cept for the fact that both my 'rents were there...ha..ha ha...not so fun, thankfully i avoided them most of the night...
and that's all folks...
peace out
C

alone

intimacy...
do i want that?
being so close to someone
to be vulnerable
to be open
to be dependant
my hopes, my fears, my secrets
my deepest thoughts
known by someone else...
who am i to trust him?
to give him...me?
i can't afford to do that
God may have been wrong about me
solitude is what i want
why should someone other than HIM complete me?
that guy isn't out there
i'm fine with that reality
i don't want to reveal those hopes...
those fears...
those secrets...
my deepest thoughts are mine
mine alone
ALONE

C