i'm so tired of being alive
feeling depressed
trying to just survive
someone save me
from this mad world
so tired i could cry
i know i shouldn't
so alone no one would care
she doesn't trust me
but i guess no one could
it would be nice to fall asleep
and never wake up
why is it so hard?
if there were a plan
i might be able to follow
instead i wallow in misery
wishing i wasn't here
hoping something will happen
to get me out
and rid the world
of this emty soul

bored at work

i think ill blog about college instead of studying for math :)
i hate math 121, my teacher is the stupidest old man ever, he refuses to teach/help us learn because he thinks we should teach each other. what a laugh.
psych 260 is amazing love that class much more fun with jessica in it
i don't feel like writing about the others, to insignificant haha

just went to Disneyland! AMAZING! loved it! Aladdin was the best musical play ever! i want to see it every day and i miss the food! haha Bengal bbq and pacific wharf cafe! my mouth is watering just thinking about it! mmm and cream cheese pretzels! yum yum :)
the rides were amazing and so was fantasmic! i'm sad that Ariel was not pretty though Belle was absolutely gorgeous so that made up for it a little haha.

the mall is playing good music and i've been listening to the Beatles and Selena Gomez! she makes me jealous, she is sooo pretty and skinny haha and tan.

wish i was still poetic-ish because my blogs were more interesting but oh well haha

OMG

so i just spent the last half hour rifling through all my old blogs and it is interesting to see the changes i have undergone throughout my life. it brought back memories that i never thought i would remember, and gave me insight into the way i have changed. anyway I'm thankful that i have "cataloged" my life in this way and sad that i gave up for a while. it's nice to remember things every now and again and reflect on ones' self.

BTW, i have just adopted the most adorable kitten. I'm writing this so i remember how adorable he was ha ha. his name is sokha (after the funny dude in that old show Avatar) and i hope to bring him home soon :)

also, Jessica and i watched ducks yesterday at the duck pond for class. they are interesting creatures, but i would not want to talk our teacher's gorilla observing class thing. she is obnoxious.

i think that's it for now
C

fun on the bus

go to funonthebus.blogspot.com for adventures to and froom UNM with Jessica and I!

really it's hilarious.

and i supose i should start poster here as well. seeing as how i'm in college now and not depressed haha

oh how i would love to write something poetic and powerful
but alas, i have no poetic thoughts
only these uncontrollable emotions
pulsing through me with every beat of my heart

i wish i was...in love
yet not, because love is difficult
and every 'love' i've experienced so far breaks me
breaks me in such a way that i do not wish to go through it again

this concept of love is an interesting one
giving up everything to be with another?
turning from our selfish ways
to sacrifice everything in our lives for another
but GOD did it didn't he?
oh, how he loves us
i do not know

i've been thinking too much about life and death
the inevitability of it
lately death and life get so confusing
i can't tell the difference here tonight
lately every breath feels like i'm kissing death

so maybe i was a bit more poetic than i thought i would be tonight.
things just flow sometimes,
tonight is rough, not as 'flowing' as other...poetry, if that's what you could call it.
which i wouldn't, but whatever

goodnight all

hold my last breath

hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light
it ends here tonight

I'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree
(come find me)

i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

closing you eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black

courage

GOD ruined me tonight
he made me realize things
like i need to put it all in his hands
like i need to have courage to love me for me
i need to have courage to share HIS story

i also need to give things up
like him
like time
like myself

i miss Him and i miss the me in him
this new me?
she's...not who i really am
the fire in my heart is so small it might be snuffed out
and i don't want that at all
i want to be free and joyful in this suffering